Lloyd's Little Problem
by HannaHeyes
Summary: Kid finds yet another seemingly hapless soul in need. Heyes can't seem to manage to do anything but laugh. Lloyd ... well, you'll see.


_This is rated PG-13. No young children need to read this nonsense. You'll figure out why. Sorry in advance, but the idea came to me and I just couldn't resist._

* * *

Two ex-outlaws rode lazily, but alertly, down a well-traveled road. It was a pleasant day, overcast with a light warm wind blowing from the southwest. It was definitely a nice day, but unfortunately for one of the pair, it wasn't a quiet day.

The two rode side-by-side, one talking consistently about some weird book he'd just finished, along with anything else that entered his roaming mind; the second thinking that if the other shut his mouth for more than two minutes, his tongue would probably beat his brains out trying to speak.

After a few more minutes of incessant chatter, to the blond partner's surprise, the talking, and his cousin's horse, stopped. Kid Curry was instantly on guard. "What's wrong?"

Hannibal Heyes stared intently ahead, his eyes squinted trying to make out something in the distance. "What is that?"

Curry looked at what Heyes was pointing out. There was certainly something moving beside the road up ahead. "I want to say some kind of animal, but it don't look like it's got a tail." He spent a minute studying the moving shape, letting his eyes adjust to the distance, then his eyebrows rose. "Heyes, I think that's a man crawlin' up there."

"A crawling man?" He glanced sideways at his cousin. "Well, we better go around another way then."

Kid looked up, a little confused and surprised. "Why? He might need help."

Heyes gave him a knowing look. "He also might be the bait for a trap. We stop to see if he needs help and his buddies come out and rob us, or maybe recognize us, might even kill us. No, it's safer to just go around. Besides, if he's legitimately hurt, somebody else will probably be by here soon. This looks like a decently traveled road. Come on." He started to turn his horse around.

Kid held his horse where he stood. "No, Heyes. That could be one of us up there. Has been before if'n I remember right. I say we go check on him."

Heyes pulled back on his reins and sighed. "You're really going to argue this point AGAIN, aren't you?"

Curry rested his arms on the saddle horn and kept staring ahead. "Yep."

"IT'S NOT EVEN A WOMAN THIS TIME!" A disgruntled look was thrown at the blond ex-outlaw as a chestnut gelding was turned back around. "Why don't you just move to England and become a knight in shining armor?"

"What?"

"Nothing. But if we end up in jail or dead, I'm going to spend the rest of eternity flattening you. Let's go, Lancelot." Heyes clicked his mount into a trot.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!"

* * *

The two cautiously approached the crawling man, both on high alert and scanning the surrounding area for others. There didn't seem to be anyone else around.

The man on the side of the road heard the horses coming and suddenly just rolled over onto his back, his hands gripping his undercarriage while he moaned.

Heyes pursed his lips and glanced over at Curry with an unbelieving, almost smiling, look on his face. He whispered, "You uh," he smacked his lips, "still want to stop? He might not be hurt. He might be just ... you know..."

Kid rolled his eyes and a half a minute later, stopped beside the man on the ground. Glancing down, he noticed blood on the man's pants.

Heyes pulled up his horse and saw the same thing. Trying his best to keep his poker face, he asked, "Sir, you look like you could use some help there."

The man spoke with a strained, slightly high-pitched voice. "I shore could." He continued to moan. "I's hurtin' like I never done hurt before."

Brown eyes once again glanced sideways. "Well sir, I don't really know what we could do for you except get you to a doctor or give you some whiskey. I think the next town's just a few miles down the road."

The man looked up through pain-filled eyes. "Yep. Next town up's where I's from."

Kid looked his cousin in the eyes. "Can I talk to you a minute?" He dismounted, walked a little distance away, and waited.

Heyes' brows dropped as his eyes went skyward right before he grinned down at the man. "Would you excuse us a minute?" Dismounting as well, he joined his partner who had a scowl on his face. "What?! I offered to help."

"You offered to get him a doctor or whiskey?! What if the bleedin' ain't stopped? What if he needs immediate attention to MAKE it to a doctor?"

"Well, I'M NOT touching his injured ... 'area'. If you want to poke around and see what's going on, feel free. I won't even watch."

Kid gritted his teeth. "That is NOT what I meant. You didn't even ask him what was goin' on with him or what had happened."

A dark brown gloved hand grabbed the bridge of the ex-outlaw leader's nose. "I don't NEED to ask! It's pretty self-explanatory when a man is grabbing his gear and blood's all over his pants. Besides, if he managed to do something to himself by ...", Heyes cleared his throat, "'polishing his gun handle' ... I for one DON'T want to hear about it!"

"You're just plain impossible to talk to sometimes, do you know that?!"

"Well sorrrry, but this is NOT exactly a normal conversation!"

Kid glared at his partner before returning to the man on the ground.

Heyes reluctantly followed, shaking his head and thinking, 'Can't we have just ONE semi-normal day, JUST ONE?!'

Kid bent down to speak to the man. "What's your name mister?"

The man's eyes were squeezed shut, in obvious pain. "It's ... Lloyd."

Curry continued. "What happened to ya, Lloyd?"

Lloyd's voice remained strained. "It was that ... that crazy Lurleene. She done ... stuck a knife in my gentiles and rode off on ma horse."

Heyes had to stifle a grin. "You mean your 'genitals', don't you?"

Lloyd gritted his teeth as he rolled back and forth. "That's what I said! Ma gentiles is broke!"

Heyes put a hand over his mouth to hide the now visible smile.

Kid threw him a look, then returned his attention back to the writhing man on the ground. "Who's Lurleene and how bad did she ... hurt you?"

Lloyd tried to slow down his breathing so he could talk without hesitation. "Lurleene's ma woman. She done follered me out here whist I's tryin' ta hunt and stabbed me in ma gentiles. OH GOD IT HURTS! All my man juice done leaked all over ma pants along with all ma blood."

At this, Heyes couldn't hardly hold in his laughter. He turned around and snorted, his shoulders shaking, then tried to hide it with a cough.

Kid squeezed his eyes shut, trying to control his rising temper. "Lloyd, will you excuse us again for a few seconds?" He stood up, grabbed Heyes by the arm, and pulled him away from the wounded man. "What the heck is WRONG with you?"

Heyes was still holding in laughter. "Ain't nothing wrong with me. MY gentiles are fine."

Kid's hand slowly formed a fist in front of his cousin's face. "That man is hurtin' and you're not doin' nothin' to help. Now quit actin' like a ten-year-old and come up with a plan or somethin'." He let go of his partner and walked back to Lloyd.

Heyes took a few seconds to compose himself. He hated to admit it, but the Kid was right. But the situation was just so ... absurb. Lloyd's grasp of the English language didn't help either.

He returned to where Lloyd and Kid were and took over. "Well Lloyd, we can't let you crawl to the next town. If you'll let us help you, we'll quickly throw together a travois and attach it to my friend's horse and pull you into town. We'll go as slow as you need to try to keep you comfortable. I think you'll be okay until we get to a doctor. The blood stain on your pants doesn't look like it's grown any since we've been talking to you."

"It ain't?" Lloyd asked. "You shore?" His hands moved toward his pants button. "Mebbe we oughta look and make shore."

"NO!" two voices yelled out in unison.

Lloyd's hands returned to their support position.

Kid turned and whispered, "Why do we have to attach that thing to MY horse?"

Heyes grinned. "You found the problem. Just seems right you be the frontrunner in fixing it. So, unless you have another magic mode of transportation hid in your saddlebags, this is what we need to do. He sure can't RIDE right now in any form, can he?" He walked off to look for some wood leaving the blond gunslinger to glare daggers at his back.

* * *

Since Lloyd apparently thought constantly holding his body's injured part helped, Heyes and Curry took him into town by way of the back streets. And in trying to keep what was left of the wounded man's pride intact, they also took him into the doctor's office the back way.

Neither of them wanted to stay and watch whatever the doctor had to end up doing, so they told Lloyd they'd visit him later and left. After double checking the sheriff's name over the jail, they stabled the horses at the livery and checked into the hotel.

"How would a doctor even fix an injury ... down there?" Kid asked as he put his saddlebags down next to his bed.

"I have no idea and I don't think I EVER care to know. Fix it with stitches I guess, like any other cut."

Curry unconsciously crossed his legs tightly as he sat down in a chair. "Can you imagine havin' to have somebody stitch you up ... down there? Not to mention havin' to clean it first."

"Again, I don't WANT to imagine something like that." Heyes turned to face his cousin. "Look, I've heard enough about Lloyd and 'little Lloyd's' injury. I can honestly say that's one topic I could do without talking about ever again. Now, I could use a drink. You coming with me?" He headed for the room door.

Kid stood up, grabbed the room key from the dresser, and followed. "Yeah. I'm gettin' hungry too."

"Of course you are."

* * *

Two ex-outlaws took a seat in the back of the semi-noisy saloon after ordering a drink and something to eat. A lovely young filly in a red satin dress that left nothing to the imagination soon brought over their order. After winking and trying to entice the handsome men to call on her later, she left them to their meal.

Heyes glanced up as he thought he heard somebody screaming outside. Becoming alert, he looked, but didn't see anything outside the saloon window across the room and nobody came in, so he picked up his glass and took a long drink of his beer. "I say we move on in the morning. Every minute I spend in this town reminds me of your friend Lloyd. And that's something that personally, I'd like to forget."

"Well, if you say so. I want to see how he's doin' before we leave though." Kid had also heard the sound of a loud voice and thoroughly checked the immediate vicinty. Not seeing, or sensing, any danger to them, he tore into a fried chicken leg.

"Fine. But I think I may take Ruby over there up on her offer. Be hard to think about recent events with a lady like that to spend the evening with." Heyes gave the lady in red a dimpled smile when he caught her looking back at them. His mind had finally started to let go of thoughts of Lloyd when a man loudly rushed through the saloon doors.

"The sheriff's tryin' to arrest Lurleene! Seems she stabbed Lloyd in his nether regions. He's over at the doc's right now and Lurleene's tryin' to drag him outside! She's throwin' one more of a fit!"

The town cryer then ran out of the saloon as fast as he had come in, no doubt to hit all the other businesses in the small town to spread the news, just in case they hadn't heard all the yelling down the street.

Heyes dropped his head and groaned. "Oh dear God. There's no getting away from it."

Everybody started hurrying through the saloon doors and down the boardwalk to watch the apparent show going on. Heyes and Curry shared a look. Heyes shrugged his shoulders, Kid grabbed some chicken, and they both followed the crowd, their curiosity getting the best of them.

* * *

"GIT YER HANDS OFF'N ME, WOMAN!" Lloyd screamed, one hand cradling his crotch, the other pushing the enraged said woman off his arm. "CAN'T YA SEE I'S HURTIN' HERE?!"

"I DON'T CARE HOW BAD YER HURTIN' YA CHEATIN' DOG!" Lurleene yelled back, catching her balance from Lloyd's resistance. By now, the doctor was helping Lloyd stand and trying to get him back to bed, while the sheriff was behind the crazed lady attempting to calm her and pull her away. "DON'T YA TOUCH ME AGIN, SHERIFF!" Lurleene jerked out of the lawman's grasp.

Sheriff Lowman blew a loud, exasperated sigh. "Lurleene, you have GOT to calm down! Now, I need to take you over to my office to try to get this straightened out."

Lurleene whirled around violently, glaring at Sheriff Lowman while holding up a knife. "I AIN'T a goin' NOWHERE with ya until I finish ma business with that sorry, slimy snake hidin' behind the doc there!"

Watching from the opposite boardwalk, both Heyes and Curry couldn't help but smile.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," Heyes recited.

Curry looked at him. "What?"

"Nothing..."

The sheriff was trying to keep his temper at bay. He really didn't want to pull a gun on a lady. It just didn't feel right. He'd only do it as a last resort. At least he'd gotten her out into the street some. "I promise you can finish it later, the legal way, in a courtroom, so just put down the knife and come on." He reached once more for her.

"I SAID NO!" She slapped his hand away and turned once more toward the cowering man in the doctor's office doorway. "GET OUT THE WAY, DOC!"

The doctor stood his ground in front of his patient, who was both trying to stand tall and keep the argument going. "I can't let you get to Lloyd, Lurleene. I don't care if he IS your husband, right now, he's my patient and I have an oath to keep him from harm."

Lurleene visibly bristled more. Her face was red enough to glow in the dark. "I ain't gonna harm him, I'MA JUST GONNA WHACK OFF HIS..."

"LURLEENE!" Sheriff Lowman yelled above her. "There might be children present. Watch your mouth."

The angry, normal now turned she-devil woman ignored him.

Lloyd decided to join in the heated 'conversation' once more. "WHY YA WANTIN' TO KILL ME?! WHY YA SO MAD? I'S THE ONE DONE GOTS INJURED AND YOU'S THE ONE DONE DID IT!"

Lurleene couldn't believe Lloyd's gall. "WHAT?! YA KNOW DARN WELL WHY I'S MAD!"

Lloyd pushed the doctor to the side, but just by a little bit. "I JUST WENT OUT THERE HUNTIN'. I TOLD YA'S THAT BEFORE I LEFT!"

Lurleened walked an exagerated circle while rolling her eyes. "Yeah, ya went huntin' alright ... BUT WHAT WERE YA HUNTIN', HUH?!"

"PRAIRIE CHICKENS!"

Lurleene started forward again, but the sheriff got his hands on her. Her focus was completely on her husband though so she didn't notice. "YOU WOULDN'T HUNTIN' NO PRAIRIE CHICKENS! YOU WAS HUNTIN' FER WESTERN FLOOZIES!"

"I WAS NOT!"

"YEAH YA WAS! I WENT TO THE MER-CAN-TILE RIGHT AFTER YA LEFT, LLOYD. DON'T THINK I DIDN'T SEE LULU FROM THE SALOON RIDE OUT YOUR WAY. I FOLLERED HER AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND?!"

Lloyd's expression went from defense to embarrassment.

Lulu, the western floozy, slid unnoticed down an alleyway to get back to the saloon before Lurleene decided to turn her rage from Lloyd to her.

"CAUGHT YA RIGHT THERE WITH YER PANTS DOWN!"

Lloyd tried to summon his courage back. He didn't want to look weak and whipped by a woman in front of the whole town. "WELL, YA DONE MADE ME PAY FER IT! I'S IN HERE WEARIN' A DIAPER 'CAUSE OF YOU!" On second thought, maybe he shouldn't have added that last part as he heard laughter ripple through the gathered onlookers.

"YA OUGHTA BE WEARIN' A NOOSE YA DIRTY-EYED, LOWDOWN, TWO-TIMIN' PIG!" She finally noticed the sheriff's hold on her and jerked loose once more, headed toward the doctor's office, her intent clear to everyone.

Lloyd's eyes searched for the lawman's and when they locked, his gaze begged for help. "COME ON, SHERIFF. GIT HER! SHE'S NUTTIER THAN A SQUIRREL TURD!"

Sheriff Lowman had had enough. He nodded his head at a nearby deputy who had been observing the whole thing and trying to hide a grin. The deputy walked over and Lowman grabbed both of Lurleene's arms while his deputy wrestled the knife out of her hand.

Lurleene was definitely resisting arrest as she struggled to get loose. "I SAID NOT TA TOUCH ME!"

"I'm sorry, Lurleene," said the sheriff as he used as little force as he needed to move the woman along. "But you can't go around stabbing people in... you can't go around just stabbing people no matter what they done, unless it's in self defense."

"IT WAS IN DEFENSE! I'S DEFENDING WHAT WAS MINE ... AND MY RIGHT TO REMOVE IT!"

"That ain't what I meant and you know it. Now come on." The sheriff was finally starting to make some headway toward his office.

"THIS AIN'T OVER, LLOYD! I WANT'S A DE-VORCE!"

* * *

A couple of minutes later, Lurleene was inside the sheriff's office and the doctor had put Lloyd back to bed. The crowd started dispersing and the two partners started the walk back to the saloon.

Heyes grinned over at his cousin. "How'd you like to be married to something like that?"

"I WOULDN'T be married to somethin' like that. Make her mad and you never know WHAT you might wake up without."

Heyes outright laughed. "True. Well, it finally happened. One of your 'needy folk' didn't really deserve the help after all. He'd already GOT what he deserved."

"Now how was I supposed to know he'd been out rolling in the grass and gotten caught by his wife? One thing's for sure ... Lurleene sure seemed to be a mean one when she's mad."

"Yeah, Lurleene looked to be a whole lot of mean in a little package. She also took care of a 'little package'." Heyes tried to keep a straight face, but a small giggle squeaked out.

Kid stopped walking and gave his cousin the look. "Okay, I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but you were right earlier when you said Lloyd's 'problem' had been talked about enough. This whole thing's made you act like you's back in third grade. Let's get out of this town ... after a good supper and a good night's sleep... and a good breakfast." He turned and resumed his walk to the saloon.

Heyes was still grinning at the gunslinger's back as he mimicked Lloyd's version of the English language. "Ya got's it partner."


End file.
